Strong Willed vs. Something More

Up until this point, I have stood firm in the belief that my middle child is just strong willed. However, after several 'major episodes' this week, I am starting to wonder if there is something more to it. How does a parent tell when a child has reached that point? How does one balance getting your child the help they need versus a title that will hurt them in the future. This is the internal debate I fight on a daily basis and up to this point, title free has won. But as she gettting harder and harder to control, and my strength weakens, I am beginning to believe I may be making a grave mistake. Don't understand how a person can be unsure? Read on. Read on for a typical moment in the life of an extra-grace required child. (Thanks to my dear friend for this descriptive phrase).

While at a friends house this week, it was decided that my middle child (a six year old) could go eat lunch with her older brother at the summer lunch program offered at their school. Then he would bring her home and he would return to go swimming with a friend. What ensued was nothing less than mortifying. Her insistance on also going swimming progressed as did her stress level. Next came a straight out fit that caused me to send her brother to lunch without her. (Keep in mind, this was at a friends house). She then ran to the door to leave anyway when I held the door close. She ran to the other door (SCREAMING the whole time) and tried to go out. I stopped her at that door also. When she ran to the first door again, I saw that this cycle would continue if I didn't do something. I let her go out, praying the whole time that she would not run down the street and to her school. God heard my prayers and she threw herself on the driveway and continued to scream and cry. I packed up her sister as quickly as I could, but it wasn't quick enough. Caydee was back inside the house yelling and whining. By the time I got them loaded up and home, I was spent. At least we were home, where I could fight these battles in private.

This is not an isolated occurance, but a battle that is played out several times a day in our home. Other parents joking say they are ready for summer break to be over. When I say it, I am more earnest than anyone knows. We are one week into summer break and I can now see that it will be a catalist in this debate. I did not realize how much I needed those daily breaks to regroup. I find myself praying that my husband will have the day off, even though it will put us in financial ruins. Just to have that backup during the battle is so reasuring.

Consistancy. The word that makes me want to scream. I know many of you are saying that I just need to be more consistant. I have seen and worked with children that just need more consistancy. This is not one of them. I am consistant and that is why my child spends much of her day in timeout. Not one time out, mind you; but many, many 6-11 minute timeouts. And yes, there is a method to the times. I am also consistant with my praise of her whenever I can. I am consistant with my patience with her. This means no yelling and no violence. It means consistantly keeping my calm, even when others would break.

I have read all the books and tried all the plans in my six years as a parent of a strong willed child. Name a book, we have read it. The plan we are using now (1-2-3 magic) gives the best results, even though it is far from successful. This leads me to the juncture I am at now. Has the time come? Do we need to take it a step further? Am I ready to have my parenting judged and torn apart. My fragile confidence says no. My reasonable side says that I am already doing this to myself. I am constantly asking myself what I am doing wrong? Am I picking the right battles or should I be firmer? Am I too strict and not loving enough? What should I be doing differently?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I do know that something has to change because this is not working. I miss spending time with my other two children. I miss the fun experiences we could be having. I hate the judgemental looks I get from other parents that don't understand how I can let my child act that way. (This is exasperated by the fact that my daughter looks like she is nine years old).

I also know that I am greatful for my loving heavenly father that does not judge me, but tells me I am loved. I am greatful for his word to lift me up when I am down and guide me when I am lost. I do not know what this summer will bring, but I know that I have God to be my partner in the journey.